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The Martian

Two years ago today I was discharged home from rehab, concluding a two-month hospital stay between Marin General, UCSF and Santa Clara Valley Rehab.

It was the first time in my life I went overnight in a hospital and I ended up doing 58 nights.

Tonight, I’m watching the movie The Martian again.

My first field trip from the hospital .. that wasn’t to another hospital … was for a group of us in the Rehab unit to go see a movie. And we went to see The Martian. It’s a big-budget film directed by Ridley Scott and based on the book by Andy Weir.

If you have seen it, you can probably imagine a million parallels between Matt Damon’s character (Mark Watney) trying to survive Mars and our journey learning to live in wheelchairs. And there are a million parallels.

The guy next to me was a big guy with tattoos and a bald head who hurt himself on the job and was a bigger smart ass than me, but also a big teddy bear on the inside – as big bald smart asses tend to be. In our circumstances, the teddy bear tends to be a little more evident too.

Nevertheless, there were moments in the theater when I was kinda shielding my face from him because I was tearing up.

Spoiler alert

Tearing up moments like the moment Mark Watney in the movie says, ‘I’m not going to die here’ after freaking out for a while when he realizes he’s stranded on Mars. Then he gets busy figuring out how to survive as long as possible.

Then there’s every moment of crisis that comes after he’s had a triumph of engineering and has a great quip about his genius.

Then there’s having to handle shit 💩. Literally. (Fellow SCI and caretakers know what I’m talking about.)

But most especially, at the end, he says to a group of students:

“At some point, everything’s gonna go south on you and you’re going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That’s all it is.

You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”

idle time

In that moment, in the middle of rehab, learning to sit up on my own, get in and out of my wheelchair by myself, do a wheelie (albeit barely), wheel myself up an incline, building up the strength to do so, learning how to manually pee and poop, basically how to live life in an entirely new way … in that moment, that story and those words were incredibly powerful.

In the movie, he’s alone on Mars for 560 sols total (Sols = Martian Days). So, he has ups and downs and a boatload of time to be idle.

In rehab, we had a required minimum 3 hours/day of workout. Even with meals and other activities, there feels like a boatload of time throughout the day to just be in pain and wonder about things:

Will I ever be able to get out of bed without help?

Will this freaking pain ever go away?

Will I be on all these medications forever, taking a cup full of pills?

Will I ever stand on my own again?

Will I ever walk again?

Where am I going to live?

Can I live on my own?

How am I going to drive?

Will I be able to work?

How am I going to pay for all this?

Who’s going to want to be with a guy in a wheelchair?

And on

and on.

the recipe

There couldn’t have been a more serendipitous moment for me to watch this story and hear these words.

“You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”

That’s been the answer to every question.

Get crafty. Get help. Stay humble. Keep your head up. Keep your head in the game. Keep moving. Keep looking for answers. Find another way.

It’s not only a recipe for learning to live from a wheelchair.

It’s a recipe for living.

BORP revolution ride | ride recap

Last month my buddy John and I rode 45 miles through north Sonoma County to support Bay Area Outreach & Recreation Program (BORP)’s Revolution Ride to fundraise for their programs that support physically disabled people like me.

Right now sudden fires, flamed by high winds have burned a lot of the terrain and scores of homes and wineries and more. It’s really hard to comprehend how these fires have changed / are changing the land and lives there.

But many of us on this ride know just how fast life can change and how to value what’s really important. If you are alive and have loved ones around you, the stuff – though tough to lose – is inconsequential.

more about BORP

One of the amazing non-profit groups that were there to support me was BORP in Berkeley. I was able to ride their handcycle before I had my own to train for my triathlons. I met people just like me and had been riding for years. They even brought their handcycle to the Oakland Triathlon so I could race on it.

Now in 2017 I’m riding in the BORP Revolution Ride on my handcycle to fundraise and support BORP to help even more challenged athletes like me.

Check them out at borp.org

malibu triathlon | race recap

In The Beginning

In 2011 I decided I wanted to do the Malibu Triathlon. I have zero recollection why.

I was never a swimmer. Never a cyclist. And never a runner. Although, I had been doing a spin class for a number of years before it was so cool and soulful. And I was getting better running 3 or so miles without stopping … on a treadmill.

I went to Pepperdine University so I have a special connection to Malibu because I lived there for some pretty formative years. Pepperdine was really special to me because I applied just to see if I could get in. I never thought I’d go. My family certainly didn’t have the money and Pepperdine was way out of my league.

But I applied anyway and I got in! A very long story short, I was offered a huge financial aid package that put it in reach and my family, karate school and other friends made it possible. I graduated and became the first in my family to graduate college.

It was the first time I learned that if I work hard and get resourceful, I can make things happen. I often say I was dumb enough to believe my Grandma when she said, ‘If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can do whatever you want.’

So maybe I just felt like the Malibu Triathlon was a good excuse to go have a Homecoming, get fit, and add something big to my accomplishments. And, chase JLo and Terri Hatcher around Malibu for a day.

2017 Race Recap

This year has been a bit frustrating because I’ve been dealing with pressure wounds on my outside ankles bones from last year’s triathlon season. Pressure sores are a common occurrence for paraplegics (and quadriplegics) because of the lack of feeling, circulation, muscle mass, and functional use of the lower body. They also don’t heal very fast for those very reasons.

My ankle wounds took 8+ months to heal, involving weekly visits to a wound clinic (whose title also included ‘Amputation Prevention’) for treatment and a Koban wrap which is like a lame soft cast for compression. It helps circulation and prevents swelling in my legs as I’m constantly in a wheelchair. Not walking and using those muscles which in turns pumps blood against gravity has other effects like pooling blood in your feet. It’s like cankles, but not that funny.

All that told, it’s kept me out of the pool and off my racing chair that puts a lot of direct pressure on that area. So, I’ve been focusing all of time on my handcycle. As you’ve seen, I’ve been doing a LOT of cycling.

When it came to triathlons for the year, I still wanted to participate because honestly it is a little addicting. It also is a great excuse to get my best friend from college out from the East Coast and gather our other college friends together.

Another close friend, Aaron Jasper, is a fierce triathlete and casually puts up times I used to aspire to run. This year I talked him into doing a relay with me. He would swim, then I would bike, then he would run. He killed the swim in just over 10 minutes which meant I was on the road with pros, celebrities and other challenged athletes. I caught up to Zac Efron on the road while he had an issue, but later he passed me like it was nothing.

As opposed to the Escape From Alcatraz Triathlon’s 1,800+ ft of climbing, Malibu had 800 ft of climbing in 17 miles. Only doing the bike, I put the hand-crank(?) to the metal and averaged about 17mph versus 12mph last year.

Which really means when I wasn’t climbing I was doing around 20mph on the flats & 37mph downhill.

And THAT was fun.

So Nautica Malibu Triathlon #5 in books. #2 as a paratriathlete. First as a relay team.

Roxanne racing ready and sitting pretty

Early morning pit crew fail.

Ready to Rock

Coming in at the end.

James Marsden: X-Men, Hairspray, Westworld amongst my favorites of his.

My Tribe

We were fortunate enough to get a little reception together on Pepperdine’s campus and gathered friends, spouses, their kids, and even Hung Le whom Seaver College grads know well, AND Andy Benton who is the President of the University. While in school I took his business law class. Pepperdine is a special university where fostering relationships with students is possible and encouraged. My constant argument with Dr. Benton is when he says, ‘Call me Andy’ and I say, ‘No, Dr. Benton.’

I have to give a big shout to my crew there. You set the bar for what I deem high-quality people and I’m proud to call each and every one of you friends. Even those that couldn’t come, I love ya’ll dearly.

Pepperdine crew!

Mini-me’s all swarming

Duke’s Fish Tacos at the Bare Foot Bar

Dr. Andy Benton of Pepperdine University with Aaron and I.

#whywetri

One of the reasons I think ‘I tri’ is because it’s a challenge to prove to myself I can do it just because I decided. Before my spinal cord injury (SCI), triathlon was something I did to prove I could it. IT being open water swimming. IT being cycling outdoors. IT being running on top of all that. IT being the journey every year to do better than the last year. IT being consistent and committed to doing what it takes daily, weekly and monthly to accomplish a B.HAG > a Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

In 2015, for those that haven’t read, I took it up a few notches and had 5 triathlons on the calendar but crashed (resulting in my SCI) a week before the IRONMAN 70.3 Santa Cruz and about 3 weeks before what should have been my 4th Malibu Triathlon.

One of the things that I will always remember is my surgeon saying to me, ‘Your long-game work towards triathlon will benefit you on this long road to recovery.’ It gave me a perspective on what was to come:

After my first triathlon, I was super-motivated to do better the next year. So I started swimming in the open water of the San Francisco Bay at Aquatic Park right by Ghirardelli Square. There’s four buoys and a flag at the end that most people swim along the beach there. When I first got out there, I couldn’t swim to the first buoy and back. After a few more attempts I got to the next buoy. After awhile I could get to the flag at the end. Eventually over a few more weeks and months I got to the flag without stopping. Eventually I could swim the whole perimeter of aquatic park twice.

Over and over again in this recovery journey, I’ve had to have faith over what seems impossible. My first week in rehab, that challenge was sitting up with no back support. Another time is was transferring from my bed to my wheelchair. Yet another time was transferring from my wheelchair into my car. What was impossible yesterday, is routine today.

I didn’t become the best swimmer ever. I didn’t ‘win’ any triathlons. But I did better than I did yesterday. I did something I could be proud of.

I have to tell you, I often hear people tell me ‘they could never do a triathlon’ and I really want to call bullshit. So if you’ve ever said that to me, that’s what I’m telling you now. I have seen every gender, age, weight, body type, cancer-survivor, missing a leg, missing both legs, missing an arm, etc. cross an IRONMAN finish line. That’s a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 marathon run in one go.

I have yet to do that distance. But it’s on the menu.

Maybe triathlon is not your thing and you have no desire. That I can respect.

But what could be your thing and what might you have a desire to accomplish?

If you’re not doing it because you think it’s impossible; if you’re just telling yourself you have no desire because you think it’s impossible. Let me be the first to call bullshit. I invite you to be second.

There is a funny thing that happens for you when you do B.HAG things and prove to yourself you can; when you do it just because you decide.

9/5/2017 update | 2-year anniversary

It has been an incredibly busy summer to say the least.

Besides the in’s and out’s of taking care of myself and work and training for triathlons and doing triathlons and a birthday, I’ve had a few things going on and really didn’t have a plan to pause for this day until last night.

And I decided on a milkshake.

When I was first in the hospital at Marin General, I was asked what could people bring me?

I said, ‘A milkshake.’

And over the course of the next week I got 20+ milkshakes.

How did I know I was loved? Milkshakes. At one point I had to make a declaration to my friends and family: okay, no more milkshakes.

I won’t dive into the details of how I was on copious amounts of drugs including oxycotin and didn’t poop for the first two weeks I was in the hospital and the rush of dairy and sugar probably didn’t help. I won’t dive into details .. and maybe I just did. 💩

When I was going into spinal fusion surgery for what would be 10 hours, I had the whole medical team around me and they asked, ‘Any questions?’ I only had one: ‘How soon can I eat after?’ The answer was, ‘Immediately, but you probably won’t want to after being prone face down for so long.’ I thought, ‘You clearly don’t know me.’

When I woke up, I was hungry. I don’t remember how soon after I had a shake, but I’m pretty sure Amy Shaw & Neil Fraiser brought it to me and it was the BEST milkshake in history.

9/5/2017 Update

When I was in surgery and recovery, my friends wrote updates on my progress. As soon as I was able, I started writing regular updates myself. They’ve really fallen off since accomplishing the triathlon goal, and even prior they were more about triathlon training.

I know that some of you whom I communicate with less frequently are a little unclear on where I ‘stand’ physically at this point. So here’s a basic update:

I’ve regained feeling below where I was originally as a T8 complete – that’s the official classification meaning that I lose function and feeling below the nipple line, with no feeling or control below that. If I were classified ‘incomplete’ there’d be some sort of function or feeling below that T8 vertebrae.

Leaving rehab in December 2015 I was a T10 complete, so I regained feeling and function down to about the bottom of my rib cage.

Today I don’t know if my official classification would change, but I have a good amount of feeling down to my belly button. I have control of most of my abdominal wall in the front, but lose sensation at the bottom of my rib cage in the back. This level (T11) is the first vertebra that has screws securing my injured vertebra (L1).

Initial X-Ray

Spinal Fusion from Right Side

Spinal Fusion From the Back

The videos of me in the Exso Bionics and ReWalk exoskeletons are exciting, though they’re not meant to train me to walk again anytime soon. I have zero control of my legs at present. Walking in the exoskeletons are great for keeping the legs/bones strong, increasing blood flow, and helping with bowel and bladder movements.

My flavor of spinal cord injury comes with an insane amount of neuropathic pain. Basically I have a band of pain that starts at my spinal fusion and wraps around to my belly. Below that point I have leg pain that feels like my legs fell asleep but times that by 100. It can be debilitating at times – especially getting up out of bed in the morning when I’ve been sedentary for so long.

The maddening thing about neuropathic pain is that it’s not real. By that I mean, my legs don’t really hurt. The spinal cord damage I sustained is sending false signals to my brain. So it’s like the transmitter is broken, not the actual body part.

I had been taking Neurontin and a small amount of the infamous Oxycodone for the pain. But as expected, over time my body got used to the amount I was taking and requires more to give me relief.

I have zero desire to take more of either of these drugs. One of the ideas I was told by my physical therapists is that in some cases you find a new tolerance and your capacity for pain becomes a new baseline. I’ve been playing with this idea ever since. Basically the pain level that I couldn’t handle in the beginning – and would probably cripple the average person – could be my new norm.

I’m proud to report I haven’t been taking Oxycodone for nearly 10 weeks now. I still take the Neurontin, occasionally testing less amounts.

Some days, I succeed and remain productive throughout the day. Other days, I’m done by 3 pm and usually have to lay flat for an extended nap.

I’ve tried a few months of acupuncture, different high CBD medicinal marijuana varieties, along with many other suggestions. I continue to test different remedies. I’ve focused on CBD, but haven’t found the right mix or form for my body yet. I need something that alleviates pain, but doesn’t put me to bed.

There’s a lot of insights and updates – both big and small that I am furiously writing. Especially riding the hill I crashed on not once, but twice in the last month. Stay tuned, I have a steady stream of posts coming out in the coming weeks and months. I would love to know what you’re curious about. Let me know.

BTW: have a pain remedy or CBD recommendation? Leave it in the comments below. Interested in what will come out…

#youcreateyourlife

lucas valley road

Sept 5, 2015 I suffered a spinal cord injury after losing control of my bike on an Ironman training ride. I could see the hill I crashed on from my ICU bed the days following the crash. This August 5, 2017 I’m riding that same hill in the Marin 50k Half Century ride on my handcycle.

Why would I want to do that you might ask? Because nothing has power except that which you give it. This hill has nothing on me. It’s just a hill. #handcycle #wheelchairdontcare #beaboutit #♿️ #teamchubbydonut